I said the n-word

Yes, thirty some years ago - I said the "N" word. What I am going to tell you is completely humiliating for me. It is the tale of an immature naive girl thirty years ago. Me.

My mother did not tolerate racism. My dad - I don't recall. I grew up with jokes about Italians (What happens when an Italian has a flat tire? Dago wop, wop, wop.), Polish (How many Pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb?), the R-word, etc... You get the idea. There were lots of children in the house and we were not permitted to curse, so if we told an off color joke we were sticking our neck out and taking a chance of getting in trouble.

My last name was easy to make fun of. I was called many versions of a slang form of my last name. It toughened me up. (I always relate it to 'A Boy Named Sue' - the Johnny Cash song).

Remember the eenie, meenie, miney mo? I grew up with "catch a tiger by the toe". Whereas my sister recalls the N-word being used. We called Brazil nuts N- toes. Yes, we did. It was the 60's. It rolled off our tongues as easy as bread and butter. I forced myself to break the habit of calling them that.

The first year my older sister (1944) taught school it was in an all black school. I remember she took me to her class on the last day of school. I think I was the same age as the other children in the class. The only thing that stuck out was when we washed our hands. I looked over at the little girl next to me and saw the pink palm. I had never been around black people/children at all in my life.

In our house we never made Jewish jokes. I don't know if it was just not popular to do so, or if we just were unaware. One of my first employers was Jewish and I knew very little about his religion. I never gave the holocaust a second thought back then. Just like the civil war (I found out when I moved to Virginia that some folks still held animosity against Northerners). I was shocked because I did not think anyone ever thought about it.

Anyway, I am getting off track. At 17 I worked at an ice cream stand. One girl worked during the day and two at night. I arrived early for the night shift and let the day shift girl go. It was hot and the A/C was on. I saw my co-worker arrive. Being a brat (and very politically incorrect) I opened the back door and yelled to her "Hey Vick!  We don't allow no niggers here!"

I don't know why I said it. It was a derogatory remark that should not have been said. But, out it came. In the entire summer that I worked at that little ice cream stand out in the country not one black customer ever came to our window.

Sigh. Except that day. As soon as I uttered the words, I looked to my left. Getting out of a green sedan was the nicest, sweetest looking elderly black couple I ever laid eyes on.

I wanted to die. I can only imagine the horror on my face. I was indeed horrified. If my Mom were there, she would have back handed me, I am certain. I am certain I deserved it.

I did notice the look on my co-workers face. It was shock. She ran as fast as she could into the building. I slammed the door shut. She was laughing so hard she had to squat down because she could not stand.

I wanted to die. I did not think it was funny at all. I was sorry the instant I did it.  I made her wait on the couple. She said they were not upset at all, that they were even laughing.

I didn't care. I still wanted to die. All this time later - 36 years to be exact - I still want to die. I want to beg that couple for forgiveness.

There. So, if in the future I become a celebrity chef and gain a net worth of 17 million dollars or so - you can bring me down and knock me off my golden pedestal.

My net worth is probably 17 dollars. I never forgot that incident. In fact it is the first thing that comes to mind when somebody mentions or asks "What is your most embarrassing moment?"  Yep. That is my biggest, my most stupidest moment. It still makes me cringe.

I can only hope that incident taught me self awareness. I believe it made me more aware of what I said and how I treat people. It took me a while but I realized after I became older that I did not have to laugh at off color jokes. I didn't have to say anything to the joke teller, I just did not have to laugh.

Hey - I still tell and laugh at blond jokes. I hope that is still okay.