Here I am

This is me. Right now. Well, if I were male, I guess. My hair is longer. It might be sticking up. I don't know. I do not have as much stubble. I rarely use a pencil. My desk is not this neat. My coffee cup has to squeeze between slippery magazines and stacks of papers. Stuff I never throw away. It helps to absorb the coffee when I spill it anyway. Then the paper and magazines get thrown away.

I am so exhausted. I cannot sleep. A couple of things I know for certain are contributing to my insomnia. Peri menopause and work stress. I had a huge upgrade to the appliance that I take care of at work. I had to drive to my home office. I was gone for over 12 hours. During that time, my only brain breaks were while I was driving. We even had pizza brought in so that we could keep on keeping on. A slice of pizza in one hand, clicking the mouse with the other. Ugh.

There are going to be a slew of issues to deal with today. I can just feel it. This change was quite massive. I inherited this appliance from some guy who did not give a sh!t. He still doesn't. He is a mystery employee where you do not know how he stays employed because he ducks out of everything. So the appliance was not properly  managed for two  years before I took over. Before that the person who managed it is now our director and does not have time for me or the appliance. For two years my questions have gone unanswered. I quit asking questions and hoped for the best.

Then comes the tech who helped me perform the upgrade. We worked over the telephone. For a long time he asked questions. What is this? Who put that in there and why? Do you realize that this won't work? Why didn't you order the "bigger" "better" "more expensive" unit and software? Why? Why? He finally realized that I just manage the damn thing and that I do not get to make any decisions. I tried to explain to him that I "asked" for the correct unit. I was told that we were not going to "band-aid" the appliance. That we were going to get a unit that would work and carry us into the future. I didn't get what I needed.  Imagine that.

What I wanted to tell him was that in case he did not notice, education is getting their budgets hacked all to pieces. I have no idea what state he lived in. It appears as if he were on  Eastern time. He was arrogant. He was technical. He was almost - no he WAS condescending. I needed him. I tolerated it. I still need him. Things were not as bad once he resigned himself to the fact that I had not chosen this ill-fated marriage of appliances - that I was told what we were getting and to make it work.

We will see what the day brings. With such little sleep, I am not optimistic. I may try to shut my eyes, but after this post it will be the most opportune time to take the dogs outside to do their business. Before all the neighbors begin to get up and take their dogs out. It is a zoo out in my neighborhood between 5:30 and 7:30. If I wait too long to take the dogs out - they do nothing because they are too busy barking at other dogs. Sigh.

Anyway, there is no rest tonight. I have planned a small family get together for my daughter. (Small as in less than 12 of us) are meeting in town about an hour away from me. After work there will be a cake to pick up and balloons. Then I rush home to let the dogs out. Then I try to make it to the restaurant by 6:30. 

School budgets. I got the news today. A lot of folks are against public employees getting some of the health benefits paid for. When I was hired (after working in the business field for almost 20 years) I was told that the pay was not up to scale as private business but that they make up for it by offering a better benefits package. Part of that was that some of our health care was covered. That will be taken away (possibly) this July. I have to prepare for the worst. That is a ten percent deduction in my paycheck. 

A lot of people say "Boo Hoo" you don't get your health benefits paid for. I would have been one of them - why should "THEY" get their benefits paid when "I" don't?  This was in the business field where we were evaluated and got raises. In education you get steps. Some years you get a little step, others a little larger.  A step plus a percentage pay increase. Sometimes 1%, rarely 3%. The past two years - no raise at all. 

Like I stated earlier - (benefits) was one of the bargaining factors in getting hired in education. I did not choose education. I chose technology. The benefits of working in technology in the education field were the hours and the lack of emergency downtime. With a five year old (at the time) to raise by myself - the hours were a plus. The fact that if a school's network went down it was not the end of the world compared to a business or hospital needing their Internet connection running 24/7. That means that I would not have to leave the house at 10 p.m. because the network was down. These were attractive traits to me when I accepted the job.

Even the security is gone. Once hired with an on-going contract, I am now an at-will employee. I know, "Just like the rest of us". I can hear you saying "Get over it" or "deal with it". No surprise to me.

If I were to work in business (as my previous jobs) I would possibly be working an afternoon or midnight shift. As you may be aware a lot of computer works gets done "after hours".  And week-ends. I am family oriented so I wanted my evenings and week-ends free. That is why I accepted the job in the education field. Even though it paid less than private business (substantially less), most of us accepted it because the benefit package worked for us.

I enjoy my work. Will I enjoy it less if I have to work evenings? With this new appliance I am finding that I am working more time at home. We did get the notice that we could begin using Flex time. I'll see how that pans out. For whatever reasons - nobody likes to get their paycheck cut. I don't care who you are. I do not look at what people in the business field make doing my work. That just brings on feelings of frustration, anger and resentment. Who needs that? It probably is not an accurate survey, anyway. So, if I have to - I will take the cut. As some of my co-workers mentioned also - we are already drowning, exhausted trying to stay afloat in life. What interesting challenges this cut will bring to our lives.

I read the newspapers. Folks will say "Hey, you will be in the same boat as the rest of us! You will have to pay for ALL of your benefits - just like the rest of us!"  The issue here is - the younger folks - the ones with the freshest minds and ideas and knowledge? They won't be picking education to work in. Our schools and students will be stuck with an older workforce running the networks. Because we are too tired to start over and go back to the business world - where we could possibly make more money. The younger ones won't blink twice about going for the bigger dollar. Once the benefit package is taken out of the equation. I am not just talking health benefits with the package - I am talking sick days/holidays/vacation. Older staff members had experience and patience on their side. Younger staff members learn and grasp new technologies quicker and can implement it faster. And they have fresh ideas. We need to continue to mix it up. I am concerned that our younger, brighter workers are going to move on down the line.

Okay, did I mention I was exhausted? I may not be making any sense.  I may be repeating myself. I am trying to purge the poison feeling out of me. I will type until I do a complete face plant into my keyboard, hopefully missing my coffee cup on the way. Headache - oh yeah. You betcha. Probably need the pills by 8:00.

Face plant completed.