From Warther's Museum 2007 Christmas display
I am consumed today by a total and complete feeling of sadness and despair. I wasn't this morning. I was fine at my meeting. I do believe it did start after the meeting. It put me into a deep and dark despair. Sometime after lunch it began to envelope me. There are a lot of contributing factors to this particular episode, most of which I won't go into much detail.
I have a relative who is facing the death of a loved one. Her Mother had a massive stroke and is not doing well at all. She is not coherent and she does not know where she is most of the time. The hospital sent her home saying that there was nothing they could do for her. You wonder. Who at the hospital decides this? A team of doctors? The Administrator? Both? The Insurance company? Medicare/Medicaid?
Things are not working out for me as far as my scheduling family to help me out with pets and my daughter. They are not working out at all. I am trying, but I feel like I am getting nowhere and that things are taking longer than I anticipated. I am beating myself up for not starting arrangements sooner than I have. It isn't like I do this every year. People keep asking me questions and I don't have any answers. I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know who is going to do what. I am too timid to tell people I need you here this day and this day and I need you to do this, this and that. I don't often "need" anybody. Ugh.
Things are not working out for me as far as my scheduling family to help me out with pets and my daughter. They are not working out at all. I am trying, but I feel like I am getting nowhere and that things are taking longer than I anticipated. I am beating myself up for not starting arrangements sooner than I have. It isn't like I do this every year. People keep asking me questions and I don't have any answers. I don't know. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know who is going to do what. I am too timid to tell people I need you here this day and this day and I need you to do this, this and that. I don't often "need" anybody. Ugh.
I want to stop my addiction to Ginger ale. I am losing. I want to stop my addiction to news on the web. I read and read about what is going on. I am an information guzzler. I read article after article. I branch off when something interests me. It has a price. I get depressed. Serial killers, hackers, missing children, drug abuse, politics, terrorism - it is bringing me down. I can't seem to stop reading. I want input. More input. I am thirsty for information. What is this addiction?
What is it that a therapist would say? "You are not getting all of your needs met." Who the hell does? And how in the hell are we supposed to know what our needs are? Shelter, food and clothing. Oh, you meant emotional needs! Most of the time I am fine. This is one phase of time (perhaps 4 hours, perhaps 24) out of weeks of content living and feeling good. Everybody gets the blues. Good Time Charlie. Come to think of it I found myself singing that song four times within the past month. Maybe my blue period is lasting longer than 24 hours, eh? Well there you have it. The winter doldrums. Pass the sugary donuts. I'm wallowing in my self pity tonight.
What is it that a therapist would say? "You are not getting all of your needs met." Who the hell does? And how in the hell are we supposed to know what our needs are? Shelter, food and clothing. Oh, you meant emotional needs! Most of the time I am fine. This is one phase of time (perhaps 4 hours, perhaps 24) out of weeks of content living and feeling good. Everybody gets the blues. Good Time Charlie. Come to think of it I found myself singing that song four times within the past month. Maybe my blue period is lasting longer than 24 hours, eh? Well there you have it. The winter doldrums. Pass the sugary donuts. I'm wallowing in my self pity tonight.
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