I am in the middle of a roller coaster. I am experiencing just about every emotion that can be felt. My family is notorious for burying their feelings. We don't do emotions very well.
I go from intense rage to the pits of despair. At one point today a Dr. brought in two doctors in training. He had them "attempt" to place an I.V. in the hand of my nephew. This would enable them to take the I.V. out of his jugular vein.
I got mad and left the room. Both doctors failed. My nephew is NOT a guinea pig or a pin cushion. I unloaded on a female doctor I found in the kitchen. I'll lay odds that male doctor does not show his face again for some time.
My other emotion that I am not used to experiencing is utter despair. My nephew had some complications last evening and it was after all my family had left. It was just me. I was on pins and needles. Every beep every cough every breath I was jerked into "what, what?" mode. Or, what now?
The song "Philadelphia" has the lyrics "Nobody's gonna save me, it's just you and me my friend."
There is nobody else. The responsibility lies with me. Why do I feel so sad? I feel so guilty about these feelings.
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